Some crazy things to tell you from my world! Okay, well, not crazy all of them, but one is. I have no idea if I ever mentioned a kid that I used to have this huge crush on way back when, but I'm mentioning him now. His name is Charlie, and long story short, I had been crushing on him for 3 years before I met Mike and it turned out that Charlie was gay (figures with my luck with guys). I don't know why, but just like any other girl would, I used to search him up every now and then on Facebook. He didn't have a Facebook, and I knew that. he said he'd never get one. But I searched him up anyway just to see if maybe things had changed. Well it had been longer than I know since I looked him up, and yesterday I was like what the hell and searched him up again. I didn't think he'd be on Facebook. I wasn't expecting to see his name or picture or anything. But there he was, same face and glasses I remembered since the last time I'd seen him, over 3 years ago. And there was no mistaking with this kid if it was the right Charlie either. I knew everything about this guy starting 6 years ago, and some info like that just always sticks with you. I remember when I used to celebrate his birthday and wish him goodnight on the moon and memorize what bunk he was in at camp. I can still recite those now, but I wont since I bet I sound creepy enough. Point is though, after 3 years thinking I'd never have any contact with him again, never see him again, and that I had lost him forever, here he was again. If you could have first love through a crush, I think perhaps he would have been mine. Now, in my opinion first love can only be that if the love is reciprocated, but I know that any other way it would be his name always on my heart in that intimate way. I can't quite get over the fact that he's still out there and whatnot. It's so strange, and that he accepted my friend request too! My head spins a bit and I go a little loony to remember all the things that happened and how many times I wrote journal entries about him in that Hershey notebook I kept under my pillow. My camp friends knew how crazy I was about him, and I bet they knew how much I hurt to have to say goodbye that last time when he wouldn't even talk to me. But now here he is again on the Earth and in my line of vision and I just can't get over it.
I'll stop talking about him now though. Again, I just cant get over this. Something else weird to talk about though is something that I shouldn't see as weird but I get so curious! you all know how there is that thing on the top of the page to show how many visits there have been to your page. Well mine is always going up, but I don't get that because I have a thingy that lets me see who has visited my page. Now if it were just one or two numbers up I wouldn't even notice, but it's closer to five and six. It just makes me wonder who in the world is visiting this page! No one really knows about me except for my friend Steven and I know he hasn't got a DA. So yeah if it's him that's one. But not five! It's nothing weird but I'm just so darn curious as to who must be keeping tabs on me. It happens most days too, so I assume that it's someone repeatedly checking in on me. Yeah okay so maybe I sound a little nuts, but I can't help it. I just want to know if there is someone out there looking for me. And yeah I admit there's this little part of me that wants it to be Mike, but I know that to hope he still cares is this crazy idea in my head that i really just need to let go of. I have such bad luck with guys and yet that's all I can ever quite think about. I could list any number of guys or just people in general that I almost hope might be looking at my page, but yet I can't stop hoping for the craziest possibilities. next I'll be thinking it's Charlie looking at my page! Hah! That would really be a riot if that happened. I guess maybe I'm losing it a little since I just keep going on about these dumb things about guys. I should really learn to shut my mouth.
Since I'm on the subject though, I might as well mention that I kind feel like a terrible person. I tried to explain to someone a problem I think I have, and instead of them being helpful in any way, I got called an attention whore for it. What I do is always wear jackets and pants. It's not like I can't wear shorts or not put on a jacket every morning, but the thing is that I can't help but do it. I do it because I hate my body and my shape and everything about me, even though I am starting to lose weight. I don't want people to know. And then I wear pants because I think I have fat legs and that if I don't hide myself, people will see the scars that i put on myself. That being said though, there are constantly lessons in health and whatnot about how if someone is always wearing long sleeves and pants, even in the heat of summer like I do, then there may be something wrong. And no one even looks at me twice. I listen to those things and I can only think to myself that I think I would rather die of heat stroke or something that have to show my body. And then there are all those things about sex where it's like, "if you're not comfortable with your own body, how to you expect someone else to be?" and I just hate myself for that because I know that I hate myself so much more. It's like someone telling me that there is no way anyone will ever love me. I see those success stories and such beautiful skinny girls that used to be fat like me and I love how happy they must be, but then I wonder why I'm not able to do that, even though I exercise whenever I can and try to eat healthy. God I hate it. And here I am saying all this when I should be out running or working on homework. yeah I don't know what i'm doing with myself sometimes
On that note, I think it makes sense that I head off now. I should finish my college app essays and my homework. I hope everyone is doing well today and I'm sorry for my lack of posting art recently. life is busy, y'know? Thanks for reading everyone!