Do you ever kind of get caught up in the moment and think, "what was I doing?" when you're no longer in that situation? As time goes on, I find that I am in that type of position. It's about one of my friends that I constantly bring up and about how I love him. I realized last night as I was drifting off that those feelings I have that are romantic love may be echos of something that used to exist. While yes I still love him dearly, I think the way I feel for him is not so much that I want to kiss him as I want to be his friend forever in the deepest and truest form of the word. I know that my feelings of affection are strongest when I am with him, and I think that's because when he holds my hand or puts his arm around me, I feel safe. That's not something I've ever felt with someone who I don't have a romantic connection with.
A dear friend of mine told me about there being three types of love in terms of Greek: philios, eros, and agape. The first is brotherly love, and held between family and friends with trust. Eros is the lover's emotion, and it's the kind of love that tends to arouse physical desire as well. The last is unconditional love, valued above the other two. (I realize that these may not be spot on, but for general purposes let's assume they make sense please). What I have for this guy is agape, and philos, and once there was a bit of that eros. I don't want to talk about how strong that eros had been, but now I know that one thing I associated with it was the feeling of safety, and that someone might care about me because they can and not because they in a way have to, like how my mother is going to love me no matter what since she raised me. Now that I am not physically with my friend though, I can see these 3 loves and know that there is not definitive line between the loves, but that what I feel is not in the same category as I always associated it with.
I know that it might seem a bit strange that I bring this all up, but the reason I think I've been a bit stressed this past week has been that I was trying to figure out why I was again head over heels for my best friend who I thought I was finally over! I know that when I see him again, which I hope will be soon, I will still find in me some kind of attraction to him, but as I stand back and look now, I think maybe what I was feeling wasn't what I thought. That being said, I know if he asked to date I would say yes without hesitation. It's hard to explain, but again, there is such a fine fine line between eros, philios, and agape. Part of my stress has also come from the fact that, since he's not particularly expressive over text, I can never tell if he is sending hints for me to leave him alone or something. Yeah, he'd probably say so, but I can be thick skulled at the best of times, so who knows. The stress comes in there in that I keep asking about hanging out because I want to ask him to prom, and not just do it in text, yet I feel like he kind of avoids the subject. yeah maybe I'm just over reacting and he's not doing it on purpose, but then part of me screams, "ah but what if he is!?" Point is, my head is just spinning circles around what to do and how to do it. Can you really blame a girl?
In other news, I get to dissect a cow heart in Human Anatomy on Wednesday, and I bought a prom dress online yesterday. I have lost around 15.5 lbs since mid-December, but it's been a bit since I weighed myself and I'm afraid to look. What else is going on in my life? Not much that I can think of. I have a huge choir concert coming up at the Princeton University Chapel on May 21st, and I'll be in Arizona this coming weekend to visit my aunt and her family, plus my paternal grandpa. He's getting on in years and his mind is not as sharp as it used to be, so I wanted to see him just in case. I don't know how much longer he'll be around, and I know that when my grandma passed, we didn't tell my brother till he came home. he never got to say goodbye. I want the chance to say I love you again, just in case. I want to be optimistic, but I'm scared that that's only wishful.
This is way too long, but if I can come up with more to say, I'll let y'all know. For now, goodnight and sleep well and be happy people. thanks for reading!