As always, I'm not around here much because school takes precedence over crafting, but I have to be honest, I think it's interesting to look back at where I was with my last journal or with the journals a year ago. I think it's funny that there are people who have hurt me and people who have helped me, and sometimes I didn't realize who was who until it was too late. In the past 3 1/2 months, I've accepted that sometimes the people I love will never love me back, but that's okay. I think I realized this because someone who really liked me was amazing, except I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all. Apparently a person can be everything you want and more, but you can't find a way to love them. So, with this in mind, I tell myself that the person I still very much love was the right person but at the wrong time. To be fair, I've done some dumb things - like trying to help him by switching his laundry from washer to dryer and accidentally shrinking his wool sweater in the process. At the same time though, the past week he's been kind to me, cuddled with me at night, and made things feel okay. I wonder if he realizes/remembers how hard endings are for me. Or maybe another Tinder date failed. I can't say I know, and maybe I don't want to. I've made some bad choices that somehow proved to me I can get over him. I got drunk two different weekends, and each weekend I was with a different guy who's liked me, and when they kissed me, I kissed back. I don't like doing things like that out of a relationship, but I didn't feel like I was cheating on my heart these times, which I've felt in the past. I'm changing. Life is changing. The very people who have shaped me and make me who I am are helping me figure myself out, even if that means hurting.
It's two weeks until I go back to NJ (gross) and less than a month until I get to go abroad to Ireland. University of Limerick will be my home for three weeks, and I don't expect to be posting much in the way of pictures, but hopefully I'll take some good ones. I'll be coming back home to Vermont in about two months because I got an on-campus job over the summer, and soon after I can move into my new apartment for the coming year. That means I have about a month total in Jersey this summer, and that if I want to visit my friends in Boston this summer, I can relatively easily. I'm still hating myself for deciding not to give myself to someone, but I suppose being 20 years old and a virgin could be worse - rather be a virgin than pregnant, since no condoms means no sex. Some day it'll happen I hope. I guess I say something because of all the things I regret, nothing has ever hurt me the way this has, even though I was being safe. The fact is I'm not sure who I am now or who I ever will be, but I never wanted to be the virgin. I have friends who are uglier and fatter than me, and they've slept around, but at least they're not empty the way I am.
I'm thinking of telling the people across the hall to fuck off at the end of the year, but I doubt I will. I have the school security on my side since the guy who assaulted me is there. I wonder if I wrote about that here. If I didn't, the long story shortened is that my roommate's boyfriend put his hand down my pants when he thought I was sleeping (twice!) and once forced my hand down his. I still can't see him or hear his voice without wanting to put a bullet through his stomach and watch him bleed out. At the same time, I'll probably never stop blaming myself for letting those things happen. He's still with my ex-roommate, and everyone is still friends with him. I hope he fucks up again. I filed a police report, and I so want it to come back. They're all terrible people for remaining friends with him. At least, that's my opinion.
I've also fallen back into EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), with some binging and purging, but for the most part I've actually been eating healthy and losing weight in a healthy way. I made myself throw up a lot last week, but desensitized my gag reflex and stopped. It reminded me that I shouldn't do that. I fit back into the dresses I outgrew over first semester when I wasn't weighing myself, although I've been weighing myself about 6 times every day. It's a ritual, and admittedly not a healthy one, but it works. 128.5 pounds as of today, down from 174 where I started way back in January two years ago. I've been around the same weight for a year, though last semester it hiked back up to 138 pounds. I know that everyone is different and everyone has their ideal, so if someone reads this and thinks I'm shaming them, that's not what I mean to do. Simply, where I want to be is lower than where I am. My goal when I started was 135, so I would go from being overweight to normal weight. Now, my goal is 110 or 115. I know that's a lot and I know it may not be possible for health reasons, but that is where I personally think I'll be happy. That's why I'm trying hard now to lose weight.
I don't know when I'll write again, or when I'll craft again. I'll post some images of some recent knitting hopefully, but beyond that it may be another 4 months before I write again. I've got a great apartment set up for next year and will be meeting my flatmates on Tuesday. I already know my boss for over the summer. I'm not hurting too badly (yet) about the end of my second year in college. I think my future will be productive, and perhaps even bright. I'm terrified, as always, but I've made it this far. And who knows, maybe I'll go to Ireland and meet a ginger who is musical and Jewish and likes musicals. Why I have such specific taste in guys I'll never know, but if I'm going to meet any gingers, Ireland is the place to go! Cheers!
